Roy Moore Sets New World Record For Holding Your Breath After Jones Win Certified

The Guinness Book of World Records, Restaurant and Pub has confirmed that the previous record for holding your breath in anger, held By George W. Bush after the networks removed the Florida checkmark in November of 2000, has been broken by Roy Moore. A statement from the company reads:

“Upon learning that the Alabama Secretary of State had certified the election he refuses to concede, Judge Roy Moore stomped his feet for more than four minutes and immediately went into ‘hold your breath until you turn blue in the face’ mode for 11 minutes and 42 seconds. The previous record, held By George W. Bush, was just over nine minutes.”

Moore wins a spot in the prestigious book that has been untouched for nearly two decades and gets a coupon for half off an appetizer of his choice.

We asked Guinness how Moore could have survived that long and were told that they merely store information and cook perfectly braised short ribs. They directed us to the chief neurologist at the New England Journal Of Medicine and Broth Recipes who told us that like Bush, Moore most likely suffered extensive brain damage, memory loss and the decimation of at least 20 to 25 IQ points that he “already couldn’t spare.”

The difference with Moore is that he lost and will probably be set out to pasture while Bush remained in office and killed a half million people. Sometimes a little bit of perspective is a good thing.

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About Flagg Eagleton 37 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.