A rumor has been swirling around the Boston area that Tom Brady, who could become the first player to need a sixth finger for all of his rings, will instead have it sized for his penis so “only he and his wife can see it.” A source close to the couple says it would be Tom’s way of showing some humility by not wearing the ring publicly:
“Tom is very concerned about his public appearance right now. He thinks showing off a sixth ring would not only be offensive to losers everywhere, but also very disrespectful to Joe Montana, his childhood idol.”
Brady has surpassed Montana now on every statistic but one: number of rings. On that, Brady remains tied with his boyhood hero.
The only other question at that point would be whether to size it for limp status, which could be awfully painful should an erection happen out of nowhere, or do you size it for standing at full attention? There is no information publicly available about whether or not Brady may have a slight curve left or right or a sharp upward spike, all of which may make sizing more difficult.
Several companies have come forward to offer an expandable band for full-time use and G-Vibe says it will replace the main stone with a stimulating clitoris massager for no charge:
“We think a sixth ring should benefit Tom’s wife as much as it benefits Tom. What a beautiful way to celebrate their union and his success at the same time.”
Vivid Entertainment has offered $10 million for the chance to showcase the ring live on pay-per-view. As for Brady, he remains focused as ever, saying his only concern right now is walking all over Jacksonville and slaughtering Pittsburgh on his way to Minnesota. “They have the best brats,” Brady told a pal.
Yes, we’ve completely forgotten Tennessee. Haven’t you?