In the aftermath of a mass shooting in America, especially one involving a school, people begin talking about gun control. Guns, it seems, are being blamed for killing the people who are the victims of these shootings. To combat the mass hysteria involved when the public starts thinking about their children being mowed down in third-period English, the NRA has developed several talking points that allow the concerned conservative to debate the issue without allowing emotions to interfere with facts.
First and foremost is the question of who did the killing. Thus the question on everyone’s mind:
Do guns kill people?
It is the position of the NRA that without a person to pull the trigger, a gun is an inanimate object, incapable of being dangerous. In order to test this theory, we gathered a focus group of 1500 families and put them through the test we’ve all heard about but never actually seen: “I left my gun on the table all day today and it didn’t kill anyone.” The results were nothing short of amazing.
1500 families left a loaded gun on the table for 48 hours to see if it would kill anyone.
In not one of those 1500 cases did a gun pull its own trigger and kill someone. Not once. We would, after seeing this phenomenon first hand, have to agree that the stories you’ve heard of other people leaving guns unattended without them mysteriously pulling their own triggers are probably true as well.
The conclusion to the study was simple: Guns do NOT kill people.
The 13 people killed during the study all died of the same thing: gunshot wounds. The 43 other cases of accidental shootings connected to the study weren’t fatal. In none of the accidents was the gun reported as the perpetrator. The causes of death were as follows:
- Four people decided to pull the triggers themselves, ending their own lives. The gun did nothing but respond.
- Three children under 7-years-old were killed by other children who were obviously untrained in gun safety. Again, the gun never pulled a trigger.
- Two people were killed when a gun was pushed from its table (by a household pet), discharging when it hit the floor. The fall, not the gun, caused the shooting, according to several experts from Smith and Wesson.
- One person died when someone said, “hey cool” and picked the gun up off its table, accidentally pulling the trigger. Once again, the perpetrator was easy to spot.
- Three people were killed by robbers who discovered a convenient way to kill their victims. You can’t teach a criminal to obey the law. No guns did anything wrong.
In the end, a study that included nearly 6000 people and 1500 firearms ended with a fatality rate of less than one fifth of one percent, which is impressive. Liberals have done the same study without a gun on anyone’s table to show that the absence of guns would decrease the shootings to zero, and three people still died when their car was T-boned by a drunk driver. Does anyone want to talk about banning automobiles?
It’s common sense, people. People tend to die around guns, sure…but they also tend to die around boats, forks, bondage chokers and improperly-cooked shellfish. Let’s not go crazy and start taking away people’s rights over some collateral damage. Sheesh.